Stephen ColbertIf I had a dime for everytime that I was wrong, I’d be broke.

Ellen DeGeneresIt is failure that gives you the proper perspective on success. "I changed all my passwords to 'incorrect'.

(And They’re All Safe for Work) You seem to be logged out.

It helps to remember that. But sometimes the reason is that you’re stupid and you make bad decisions.I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it’s like a circus in my head.

I go to the supermarkets to watch mothers lose it and beat the shit out of their kids.

I don’t take orders. Ray RomanoI don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or the acting like you know what you’re doing.

Your use of this website constitutes and manifests your acceptance of our Whether it’s a play on words, a funny observation about everyday things or old witty sayings, comedy has a way of making us realize we’re all going through the same stuff in this crazy Take a much-needed break from your day to check out these 101 ‘Us’, ‘we’, ‘let’s’, honey, come on partner. Oscar WildeMen marry because they are tired; women because they are curious; both are disappointed. And you feel something that makes you almost want to smile.

People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke. Or did we just f*cking blow your mind!? I mean, I’m a mom.A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Gene PerretIt is impossible for a man to learn what he thinks he already knows. That’s what your soul was put on this Earth to be. You would do anything in your power to make your best friend's day even better. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that. Saying ‘yes’ is how things grow. Isaac AsimovHumor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility. Jon StewartLove what you do. I got caught up enjoying my last few minutes of not being here.I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is I’m sorry. Please check your email to confirm your subscription. Robin WilliamsNever pick a fight with an ugly person, they’ve got nothing to lose. Mark TwainSchool is learning things you don’t want to know, surrounded by people you wish you didn’t know, while working toward a future you don’t know will ever come. Woody AllenLife doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television. Bill MurrayThere are only three things women need in life: food, water and I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot. Aparna NancherlaYou’re welcome to come here, except my beds from Ikea so it’s more unstable than i am. Zach GalifianakisI like to read the Bible in public places so people are watching me read it. Press J to jump to the feed. Groucho MarxThe secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. Edward de BonoThe secret source of humour itself is not joy, but sorrow. Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Eddie MurphyMick Jagger’s lips’ so big, black people be going, “You got some big-ass lips!”. Ricky GervaisNo one wants to see cool people doing brilliantly. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with.

If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

Die with dignity. Robin WilliamsWhat would you say to your barber?

I hate necks. I intend to live forever. Tina FeyBefore you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are. Chelsea HandlerMy nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.Toddler: Emotionally unstable pint-sized dictator with the uncanny ability to know exactly how far to push you towards utter insanity before reverting to a loveable creature.I never know what to say when people ask me what my hobbies are. May 19, 2020 - Explore Margie Christgen Willis's board "funny pictures", followed by 716 people on Pinterest. I don’t remember it, but it’s good. Ellen DeGeneres Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things. Milton Berle When my wife says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space and write a poem on the moon before we go. My advice: just stay home and burn a good book.

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