So we stopped playing chess.” “I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.” “I really wanted kids when I was in my early 20s but I could just never… lure them into my car. Teachers One Liner Joke. “Employee of the month is a good … 105 of the best short jokes and one-liners to get you laughing in seconds “I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. Which is like the manflu but worse because I also regularly have periods and I get paid less.” “Kim Kardashian tried to break the internet. I’ve got condiments in my cupboard older than that.”“‘What’s a couple?’ I asked my mum. Do you know how motivating it is swimming to the theme song from Jaws? I thought: ‘This could be interesting.”“The anti-ageing advert that I would like to see is a baby covered in cream saying, ‘Aah, I’ve used too much'” “I’m sure wherever my Dad is: he’s looking down on us. "To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. © 2020 JPIMedia Publications Ltd. If you have to force it it’s probably shit.”“I used to be addicted to swimming but I’m very proud to say I’ve been dry for six years.”“My grandad has a chair in his shower which makes him feel old, so in order to feel young he sits on it backwards like a cool teacher giving an assembly about drugs.”“My girlfriend is absolutely beautiful. It’s like a normal hotel, only in reception there’s a picture of a pebble.” – Rhod Gilbert“I went down the local supermarket. You have two parts of the brain, “left” and “right” — in the left side, there’s nothing right and in the …

My observational comedy improved.”“You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.” “Most of my life is spent avoiding conflict. Not as in, with a stick – he just died first”“I think if you were hardcore anti-feminism, surely you wouldn’t call yourself ‘anti-feminism’ would you? There are almost 1,300 comedy shows at this year’s Edinburgh Festival Fringe, each of them vying for your laughter.For a taste of what to expect this time around, we’ve put together a rather epic list of some of the best jokes and one-liners that have had audiences giggling in the Scottish capital over recent years.“Crime in multi-storey car parks. I thought: ‘Bloody hell, how long’s the aisle going to be’.” “Golf is not just a good walk ruined, it’s also the act of hitting things violently with a stick ruined.” “Feminism is not a fad. I hardly ever visit Syria.” “Life is like a box of chocolates. Just some very funny summations from some very funny people, all told in one line. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” “Looking at my face is like reading in the car.

No it was a mutual thing.

From here it looks like it’s probably the Duke of Edinburgh” “A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. You know when she was born?

Student: "A drinking problem. It's okay. You’d call yourself ‘Uncle Feminism’.” “My mate is called Liam, but we call him ‘Two Legs Liam’. Not all of it. Bad example.”“I love languages. Sacre bleu!Search in the largest collection of one liners and puns

Jokes about brown sugar, Demerara.” “A rescue cat is like recycled toilet paper. 50 Edinburgh Fringe one-liners that deserved to win Funniest Joke.

I hear you ask.” “I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.” “I bought myself some glasses.

41 of Stewart Francis’ most ingenious jokes and one-liners Stewart Francis is the master of the one-liner. I said: ‘I want to make a complaint – this vinegar’s got lumps in it.’ He said: ‘Those are pickled onions.’” – Tim Vine“I moved to a well-to-do area.

Absolutely hillarious school one-liners!

Its called the Daily Mail.” “When I was younger I felt like a man trapped inside a woman’s body.

I know it’s well-to-do because I said to my husband ‘it’s chilly in here’, and he said ‘shall we turn the floor up’?” – Sarah Millican“I’m learning the hokey cokey. Billy Crystal (1948 – ) comedian, actor, writer, producer & film director .

If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.” “My Dad said, always leave them wanting more. Absolutely hilarious one liners! Please don’t let Kevin Bacon die!” – Bill Murray“I don’t trust the press. My first boyfriend asked me to do missionary and I buggered off to Africa for six months.” “Love is like a fart.

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